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CAUTION: The following update contains some things that some people may not want to read about. So don't go reading the rest of this if you have a weak stomach or a wild imagination. You must be this tall to read this update, and those with heart conditions or those that are pregnant are highly advised not to read..... now on with the show.

How good is your reading comprehension people? If it's bad, just skip down to my first entry of January (i think). I mentioned a girl that was around while I was doing my laundry who I thought was cute, but a bit scary in the way she kept smiling at me. Anyways, I was finally able to chat her up about a week ago and we've been hanging out a bit ever since. Her name is Fie (Fee) and is from Denmark. Well she acts quite a bit different then the way she looks like she would. I would think that she's this cute little shy girl, but she's actually much like myself when it comes down to making fun of each other. At first I was cool with this, but then started to get mixed signals from her. One minute she'd be really sweet and nice, then the next she'd be slagging me off for something. It was kind of unattractive and rather annoying so I didn't feel to motivated to pursue anything further with her besides someone to chat with.

So the other night I was hanging out in my favourite spot.... the hostel bar. I was chatting up a cute dutch girl for about 3 hours and had already bought her most of her drinks for the night, when Fie shows up. She taps me on the shoulder and just says 'Hi', and I end up chatting to her for just a little bit. The dutch girl ends up finding someone else to talk with and Fie apologizes to me for wrecking my chances with her. I was a bit frustrated, but tried not to let it show and offered Fie a drink instead. Declining my offer she instead steals my beer. ugh. what a cheeky girl. At this point I'm not drunk, but I'm about borderline tipsy, meaning I say what I'm actually thinking. I eventually tell her how I hate that I can't figure her out because of her "hot and cold" attitude towards me. She just giggles about it as I continue to go on my rant of how annoying I find it when she tells me "I'll make things a bit easier for you" and we end up kissing. Well I'm a happy camper at this point and we end up moving from the bar over to the lounge area with all the couches. We end up snogging for about an hour or so with some small chit chat between coming up for air. Then she becomes really forward by asking me "Do you want to have sex tonight?" Tell me how many guys would turn that offer down? The only downside being, she's sleeping in a 12 person dorm and myself in a 6. Weighing our options my very full 6 person dorm became the shag pad of choice for the night. The challenge: Being VERY quiet. A task not easily accomplished on the bottom bunk (with my good mate Dave above me. Thankfully he slept through the ordeal). On our way up from the bar through reception I let go of her hand and she passed me a puzzling look. I quickly explained how I don't think anyone should see us. She disagreed, so right in front of the reception desk in front of maybe 10 - 15 people she puts the tongue down the throat again. Okay, she made her point, but then she had to rub it in a bit by doing it again in the elevator with more people in there. I felt a bit embarrassed.

So Fie is a bit different in bed then what I'm used to, but I lived. She likes to be the one in control, where as I like being in control as well. You can imagine arguing about small things while trying to whisper and please each other at the same time. That's the kind of multi-tasking I'm not exactly good with. I eventually just caved in and told her we'd do everything her way. Which was rather annoying because it made me feel a little inadequate, like she didn't trust me. Plus, it didn't help that she had told me how many other guys she has shagged since being in Australia (the number is quite high), meaning I'm thinking she's a bit loose, could be carrying some kind of disease by now and worst of all, she's going to compare me to everyone else she's gone to bed with. That left me feeling a bit off and I know I was not the best she'd ever had. Now, another problem is it's been really really hot at night recently and our rooms don't have fans or AC in them. Plus with 6 people crammed into a small room it gets even worse. So when it comes to the end and Fie says "Alright, lets cuddle til we fall asleep" this lasted about 30 minutes before she kicked off the Duvet cover and told me it was way too hot and that she was gonna go back to her room. Okay, I'm much more used to the girl spending the night afterwards as well, so that hurt me a bit, because I wasn't sure if she really was that hot or if it was an excuse to leave. Plus she told me that it was a one night thing and that we have to go back to normal... and then right after her telling me that while she was getting dressed she tells me goodnight, and I did the same and she stood there waiting. I ask what's wrong and she tells me that I'm supposed to kiss her.... I'm thinking what the heck for? I did it anyways just to keep her happy. Now, I'm alright with that if I were never going to see her again, but the truth is she's around for another week. Yikes. I work much better when I can one night stand on my last night in a place or the girls last night. Not seeing them again makes things that much easier to get over. Where as in this case, I had already liked Fie for a bit, and I'm still hanging out with her after the fact. maybe this wasn't such a good idea in the first place.

The next day was tough on me. I told Dave everything (he's my best mate at the hostel and really open when it comes to sex) and we spent the day away from the hostel so I could try and avoid her for a bit (how childish am I?) We actually took two fishing rods that had been left in our room by a previous room mate and took them to cash converters for some cash. 35 bucks for not doing anything? Oooooh yeah!

I eventually did decide that I really should talk with Fie just to see how normal things could be. I think we both had a hard time with it, but things went better then expected. She's being really nice to me and things flowed quite smoothly. Even this morning we sat down and had breakfast together in a polite and civil manner. Maybe things could go back to normal?

We went through this already...

Happy Australia Day!

Australia day is pretty much the same thing as Canada day. A day off from work to drink yourself stupid and watch pretty fireworks. Now this would be pretty special if it weren't for the fact that this is everyday life for Ozzies... in some cases the fireworks are an everyday event as well. So it's business as usual in the southern hemisphere.

The last few days have been Deja Vu fueled. Lets see if I can recap in my hungover state.

So the other day when I'm in the hostel kitchen making my supper I catch a glimpse of this crazy beautiful girl. I do a double take because I thought I had seen her before and not in Melbourne. I continue my cooking ways until she approaches me and says what I was thinking, "I know you from somewhere." Well, seems I wasn't going nuts. Turns out we were both staying at the same hostel in Cairns for the same amount of time. We just never ever talked to each other. So Amy and I sat down and had a quick conversation over supper about what we did in Cairns and how it was so weird that we never felt the need to talk to each other for a whole two months of living in the same complex.

After we were done eating and cleaning up she asks me if I would like to join her and her friend in the bar for a few drinks. I'm not stupid, I'd never say no to an invitation like that. The rest of the evening was filled with non-stop conversation. Not once did we have a silent pause. Not only that, but we seem to like all the same stuff, our birthdays are exactly a month apart (well she's actually a year and a month older then me) Oct 28 vs Nov 28. It was just too funny how we could even finish each others sentences sometimes. We engaged in a few games of pool and had an over all terrific time with each other. If it weren't for the fact that she told me that she's swearing off boys for the next little bit I would've kissed her, cause things were getting that close. Even better news is she's going to be moving into St. Kilda, the exact area where Adam and I are going to be moving into and she's sticking around Melbourne for 3 months. She's even hinting at the idea of her and I travelling together for a bit because her friend, Tanya, goes back home in 3 months and she doesn't want to be alone. I'm hoping that this is finally going to be my silver lining out of the last month of women having no interest in me.

So, Ozzy Day! Actually, not much happened apart from a lot of drinking in Adams backyard. They had an inflatable pool set up so we could all get drunk in the pool for awhile. Good fun was had by all. Adam disappeared for a bit and his lady friend who he fancies (and has shagged) Anthea, stuck around with me and kept me company. There were some points where she was getting a smidgen too friendly with me which I was uncomfortable with due to the fact that I know Adam is really into her. Don't get me wrong, Anthea is an amazing woman. She's gorgeous, funny and studied that same thing that I did in college, so we naturally have a lot in common, but I had to keep changing subjects, chairs, anything to keep Anthea from getting too close and try to resume anything with me in case Adam were to return at any minute.

After 5 hours of hard drinking I started to feel it and Adam and I both had to make a visit to the alley way and empty out the bad mojo. When I returned I had 3 ozzy girls looking after me who kept bringing me water and talking to me. One girl said she thought it was so funny that even in my drunken state I was still polite. Of course I was the hit with most of the women seemings as how everyone at the party was either English or Australian and me being the only Canadian made me ripe for the picking. Turns out a lot of people had already heard about me through Adam telling his stories of adventures travelling north. I was told that I was a legend for sticking it out so long with Adam.

That's about it. So to Recap:

-Met Amy, an English girl, whom is super fantastic.

-Got Drunk on Oz day

-Had to fight off another pretty English girl who is off limits to me.

wow, what a week.

The Age old question

I seem to have hit a nice little slump in my whorish ways. Not that I haven't been in one for the past few months, but now I'm at least putting some effort into it again now that my depression has lifted.

In one week, count'em 7 days, I have lost my chance with four girls..... four! that's almost a whole hand of fingers to count with. Yikes. How has it happened? Glad you asked....

Girl the first: One of my room mates was this cute English chick whom I had gotten into talking with quite a bit. One night I invited her out to come to Rock and Roll Wrestling in St. Kilda with Adam and all his friends (I'll get to rock and roll wrestling in a bit). She declined, but offered me a counter offer of joining her in the hostel bar for drinks that night instead. I told her that I'd try to meet up with her a bit later. Well I got so engaged with Rock and Roll Wrestling that I didn't end up getting back to the hostel til about midnight. I frantically searched the bar in hopes that I hadn't lost my chance with her. Well, knowing my string of luck you can guess what happened. Some other guys told me she met someone else and they had left at about 10pm. Crushed, I went to bed at about 2am and was awakened at 5am by this English girl fucking the guy she picked up at the bar. Oh the horrors. I got no sleep that night for she is a smidgen on the loud side when she gets excited. Thankfully, she moved out the next day.

Girl the Second: Another English girl. A few years older then me, but you wouldn't think that would be a problem? At least she told me it wasn't. I was actually telling her how older girls usually react differently to me once they find out how old I really am, hence I usually stick to people my own age or younger. She assured me that the age has nothing to do with anything and that I look older and act older so she's fine with it. I had spent 3 days getting to know her and on the last night she kept making references about how her dorm is pretty empty and I can come back up to her room after we were done drinking. I'm all cool and calm about it... just in my usual Mike way of course, until another guy that I was talking to earlier came into the picture.

Back story on other guy: Another English guy, the same age as the English girl. I was only talking to him cause the bartender saw us both sitting alone (which I was fine with because I was waiting for the English girl. I wasn't a loner.) and 'made' us talk to each other. The guys cool enough, but he didn't have to ruin my night.

Back to the story: So the English girl is all interested in who my new friend is and they end up talking the rest of the night and don't even bother to look at me until the English guy is nice enough to get me back in the conversation. Being a guy he asked me about my sexual encounters with the girls out here and which nationality I think is best, before I can answer the English girl is disgusted because she thinks I'm too young to be doing that sort of thing. Too young? After she told me that age doesn't make a difference at all? Well it turns out they both got really friendly in one of the women's shower stalls (says the English guy) about 15 minutes after I left. Woohoo! Go me. The English just aren't biting.

Girl the third: My own fault really. I was doing my laundry and reading one of my German books and I happened to notice this girl staring at me and smiling. So I do the polite thing and smile back and go back to reading. She ends up looking around a bit before smiling at me again and kind of cocking her head to side. I still don't pay much attention to it. She ends up leaving for a bit walks by about 10 minutes later still staring and smiling. OK, now I'm creeped out. But I assume I wouldn't have gotten creeped out if I had just talked to her the first time around when I noticed that she was cute instead of burying my head back into the German language. I still see her around, but like I say it's just a bit creepy now and no longer cute.

Girl the fourth: Just last night I pulled off some good old Canadian charm and ended up chatting to a girl from Norway. She joined me for a bit in the bar before she had gone back to her room to sleep. At about 1am she came back down to the bar after having a shower and getting all prettied up. I was actually kind of amazed at how stunning she was and in all honesty when she came up to me asked me if I remembered her I seriously didn't know who she was. I felt like such a knob for that one. So we talked a lot more and she kept giving off these signals with her moving closer to me on the couch and touching me. Well, what's a guy to do but respond in kind? I tried to touch her hand and she recoils. She didn't change facial expression or even stop talking, but it was apparent that she wants to touch me, but I'm not allowed to touch her. jeez.

That's not even all my failed attempts. Most of the time I just have the problem with too many "Pretty" guys coming over and stealing the girls that I'm talking with. My analogy for it was: I'm the fisherman out on the boat pulling in this great big net of fish, then some fucking ass pirate comes along, steals my fish and sinks my boat! Okay, it's a bit over the top, but still frustrating as hell.

Okay, Rock and Roll Wrestling! The coolest thing I have seen since my return to Melbourne. It's held in a dirty little bar all the way in the dirty side of town called St. Kilda. They have a hardcore rock and roll band play about half a set and then they do a few matches of WWE style wrestling. Oh it's so cheesy, plus how they all have their personas and little back stories. It really is a soap opera for men. Too bad I didn't have my camera with me at the time. That would've been some quality shots.

I'm off to try and beat this "Age" dilemma with a cardboard tube.

Mein Fuhrer!

Happy New years to all.

New years eve was a blast! Ended up bar hopping for most of the night and when I went into the bar that I used to work at I got myself a load of free drinks for myself and my friends. That was probably my downfall and the reason I felt soooo sick. It took two days to fully recover and then I was back on the Piss (Beer).

I was even lucky to have the company of a beautiful Ozzy girl for most of the night (unfortunately not the important part of the night, but that's OK.) We started chatting just because she said how much she loves Canadian accents. After that I was trying to go for the kill. We had a real fun time though.

But I'm not here today to talk about New Years and my massive drinking problem. That's for my AA Meetings. Instead, I'm gonna rant on how the cosmos always find a way of making things right in the world.

For the past little bit my buddy Bjorn and I have been trying to hire a car and get some people to travel down south together and just have a good time and then go our separate ways in Sydney. Things were looking grim as we found that there are no rental cars left in Cairns..... NO RENTAL CARS!!! What the hell? This city gets worse everyday! In the end I decided I'd just buy a plane ticket and fly to Melbourne and continue on my way along the south of Australia and eventually get over to the west coast which is supposedly the coast of milk and honey.

So today as Bjorn and I were walking around town towards the travel agent we pass a small bistro (for the record I really don't like this bistro) and I saw a girl in there and I just happened to nudge Bjorn and say "She kind of looks like my ex-girlfriend, Freja" as we passed by I took another look and got a good side view only to see that it really was her. My knees got pretty weak at this point and Bjorn kept egging me on to go talk to her. Of course I was dead afraid of what she might say or maybe she'd just walk away.

I eventually did it though. I ran back, just tapped her on the shoulder and wished her a happy birthday (Her birthday being back on the 29th of Dec). To my surprise she didn't walk away, she didn't say anything mean to me. In fact we talked for an hour about what we had done the last 2 months and what we are going to be doing next. At the end of it all I apologized for whatever I had done to upset her in the first place and she said that we're all good now and that she'll keep in touch.

That's all I needed. And at least this time I was able to say goodbye to her. I decided that I should best avoid the topic of why she left me in the first place and just stick to the conversation that was working. I'm just so happy to know that she's okay, she's having fun and now she'll talk to me again. i feel like I can sleep better at night now.

The other day I was able to finally escape the grasp that Cairns had on me and I'm not back in Melbourne deciding on what it is I should do next. My two main options are to stay here and work for a month and then jet off to New Zealand when my other friends are going, or motor on over to Adelaide and just keep cruising the country from there. I'll stick around a few more days to figure out what idea I like best.

I was also able to meet up with Adam again when I got back, so I'm sure I'll be hanging out with him and his friends for the next little bit.

That about sums it all up. I left a warm tropical "paradise" to come back to a rainy and cold metropolis. I had a bit of Deja Vu when I was taking the Sky Bus shuttle from the airport into town, just like I did over 4 months ago when I first arrived, and thought about how much I had changed and matured since my first arrival. It was good to reflect.

Ho, Ho, Hoe

Merry Christmas to all. I hope the festive season is treating everyone well.

Christmas was quite a bit different then what I'm used to. First of all the lack of snow and abundance of sun was a change. It was also my first Christmas away from home. We ended up doing a secret Santa at the hostel between all the staff members (since most of the people staying here work for accommodation anyways). I was given a shirt that has a dog sniffing another dogs butt and it says "Do I know you?" Someone around here knows me too well I think. That's a sign that I've been here too long.

After supper my friends and I were tipped off about a house party that we figured we would go crash. Getting there became half the fun. First we were going to walk there with the crappy directions we were given. Once that fell through we hailed a cab and asked him to take us to the address. The driver looked back at us telling us there is no street name with the address we wanted. Ooooooh Man. He eventually did find it on the map after 10 minutes of looking at talking to his dispatch. Then he got us lost twice and had to pull a u-turn. In the end I refused to pay the fare that he asked for because of his horrible navigational skills with a map.

The house was cool, but the party was lacking. We only spent about 2 hours there before deciding that going into town would prove to be more fruitful. All the night clubs were opening up at midnight anyways so we would be just in time. We ended up going to a techno club til 5am where I was happy to deal with the drunken idiots who plague this city and insist that I'm jack Osbourne! I try to humour people on it, but one guy thought I took it as an offensive (come on, Jack Osbourne isn't good looking so I'm not going to take it as a compliment). My German friend Stef sits down beside me and starts chatting to me and the guy comes back and apologizes to me and then tells me I'm very handsome. (uh oh) He then goes on saying that I must be good looking to have a good looking girl like Stef as my woman. Whoa!! Now this is where I'd usually pipe up and correct the guy that she's just my friend, but Stef looked scared of him and I knew this guy (like every other guy in the place) would try to pick her up if they knew she wasn't taken. So i got to be the sit in boyfriend for the night to scare off the drunken jerks. if only it were a paying job.

Christmas seemed to turn out well for Adam back down in Melbourne as well. For the guy who went from no money, no job, no woman (hey this sounds familiar) he now has it all. His own place, a new job and he got laid just in time for Christmas. It's like something out of a Disney movie.....without the shag of course. So I'm happy for him. I'm still working on getting myself a quick dose of lovin' before leaving Cairns, otherwise I'm never coming back to the state Queensland again. Gonna go back to my happy place of Victoria or New South Wales.

We shall see how new years goes. Plenty of drunk girls at that time of the year. YAY!!!!

Happy Holidays

Muckluck (no good titles came to mind)

The past month has been more or less uneventful. My days are filled with work and sleep.... sometimes drinking.

We had the staff Christmas party last week and proceeded in drinking lots and lots and lots. At some point I was able to steal my supervisors hat (which is a hat from the bar we work at). She hasn't asked for it back yet, nor do I think she knows it's missing. I'm hoping to keep it so I can bring it home.

I finally got my hair cut. Two English girls were bugging me about how out of control my hair was getting and they kept offering to cut it for me. I was uneasy about it until one of them said she's an actual hair dresser back home. The other girl is a hair dresser in training, so I wasn't too fond of her taking scissors to my mop top. It worked out in the end and I now have some hair which is more suitable for the weather in the tropics.

I've finally decided to leave Cairns in the new year and go back down to Melbourne (where the weather is a bit more to my liking). From there I'm going to work on getting myself out to Adelaide, then eventually to Perth. I decided to stick around for Christmas and New Years mainly because I'll get paid so much more by working the holidays, and money is what I would like to have right now.

On Saturday night I was given the horrible job of glass washing at work. It sounds easy, stack all the glasses of the same type onto a tray and shove them in the dishwasher, when done put the tray away somewhere around the bar. Now take into account how many glasses I'm getting when there are four glassys bringing me full trays, and I have to move around behind the bar with busy bartenders. It's a bit more stressful then being on the floor, but I survived. Near the end of the night I was still doing my glass washing and I was sipping on a glass of Orange Juice to refuel my system when two girls come by and jokingly tell me I shouldn't be drinking on the job. I tell them not to tell anyone and we all walk away happy, they then want two free margaritas in exchange for silence. Of course I can't do that and they knew it, but we had a good time with it. They ended up chatting with me while I was stacking trays for about 10 minutes or so when they decide it's time to go and one of them tells me that she'll come back in next weekend to see me cause she thinks I'm cute. At this point they are a bit away from the bar when I yell to them "Come on! I at least deserve a phone number, or a name" she happily replied "If I see you next weekend, you'll get both." What a tease.

I work hard for my money

Funny how quickly things can turn around. I went from having no job prospects to having too many that I didn't know what to do. Currently I still do my housekeeping job, now I also work at a bar collecting glasses and some days I work with an appliance delivery company and lastly I'm now being offered the night manager position at the hostel I'm staying at. Seems I may have more money when I escape Cairns after all.

The past week I've spent most of my free time chatting and partying with... (if you guessed a German girl, then give yourself a gold star and cookie). I seriously don't know what it is with me and German girls, but as soon as I hear that accent from across the room I drop everything and introduce myself. This ones a bit different. I WAS going to go for her when I originally thought she was 23 or 24, but then found out she's 32. I only work well with the young naive women. The older and wiser ones see through me too quickly. It's all good though. She's a blast to go drinking with and just having conversations. She's out here taking her rescue diving course so she can become a dive instructor. She claims her English isn't very good (she's a liar, and yes her pants are on fire) and got me to explain half of the rescue diving manual to her. At this point I could probably become a rescue diver too. In return she picked up where my German lessons last left off and I have had a chance to learn some new phrases. Our current deal that we have going is that as long as I cook her supper then she'll buy me drinks for the night. Needless to say I break out my chefs hat every night for her and every night I get passed off as a master chef. Not only by her, but by most regulars in the hostel as well. If I'm not careful, they may put me to work in the kitchen too.

The bar job is a lot of fun. It's something new so it keeps my attention and isn't as mindless and boring yet. In fact, I can't believe I never tried for a job like this earlier. Drinking + Girls = Girls Gone Wild Videos. Well there isn't a video out of our bar yet, but I'm sure I could make one. On my last shift this one girl couldn't find the bathroom and asked me if I could be bothered to show her where it is. I happily obliged and she took my hand as I safely pushed our way through a sea of people and arrived at the bathroom door. She was so overjoyed that she gave me a nice kiss on the lips. I love cute drunk girls. Even working down by the dance floor is becoming a favourite spot of mine. Girls always want to dance with the glass collectors for some reason, and you usually get to girls, one in front and the other behind you. All the while I'm hold my tray full of glasses above my head while trying not to drop it on anyone. I almost look forward to my next shift just to see what will happen next.

The other night we went out to an Irish pub called Shenanigans for their 2 for 1 drinks. At some point one of the guys we were out with says I look like Jack Osborne (it's not the first time I've been told that) but after that he kept introducing me as Jack to everyone and was bringing over random girls just so they could meet Jack Osborne. It was a riot and we all had a bang up time. One of the girls at reception refuses to call me by my real name and instead calls me Jack.

Went out to a popular backpacker bar called the Woolshed. Actually I've been there many times, but it's always fun to meet new people there. While I was there a girl recognized me and it took me awhile to figure out who she was. It was a Danish girl named Louise who I had met on the way up from Hervey Bay. She stopped in Bingara to do fruit picking and only now has got up north. We had a fun time talking about what we had done in the past month until this guy (that she just met that night) came over and thought I was trying to pick up 'his girl'. He kept trying to pull her away from me right in the middle of when we were talking. Thankfully Louise was smart enough to tell him to bugger off for a few moments while we chatted. I got death stares from that guy the rest of the night. I could have taken him though.